ICYMI: Lockdown Christmas wasn’t all that bad

I wrote this a couple of years back, and it still makes me laugh out loud. The lessons learned will not be forgotten.

a detailed comparison of 2019 christmas to 2021 christmas. see if you can spot the difference.

Below is an outline of evidence that Christmas this year may have been the best one in many, many years.

December 24, 2019:

2:00pm

Grocery store trip #1. Buying all proteins and veg being served tomorrow. Feeding 15+ people. The store is an absolute pigfuck of people. Lineups are insane and after 2+hrs of setting aside manners and spending upwards of $300, it's time to race to the LCBO.

4:30pm

Panic driving to get to the liquor store before it closes. Again, lineup is snaking throughout multiple aisles. After spending about 35 minutes of reading labels on every wine and specialty liqueur bottle on my route to the checkout, we drop another $300. Still need beer though. With all my time to ponder while in line, I also remember I forgot the fuckin' soda pop Ashley asked for.

5:15pm

Luckily, the Beer Store is close. About a mall's parking lot away. Luckily for me, I'm already parked and I may as well hike over there because people have taken to parking on islands, in loading docks and some have given up entirely and parked in the goddamned laneway. Beer Store was the most efficient in-and-out thus far. I still need to get 3 cases of beer back to the truck, parked approximately 2.5 football fields away though. Fat, lazy Ryan showed up (wheezing, probably) to help figure this one out. Noticed a taxi dropping someone off and flagged him down. Offered him $10 cash to take me across the lot. He laughed and laughed as he took my money, my beer and my fat ass across the lot. Work smart, not hard kids.

6:30pm

Home. That beer looks really good. I deserve to crack one and....The fuckin' soda pop, goddamnit.

6:45pm

Hasty Market is the tits. Yeah the soda costs a little more, but I would have paid $50 to not step foot inside a Walmart/Grocery store at this point. Take my money.

7:30pm

The cleaning starts. We're pretty fastidious when it comes to living in a clean place, but there's clean and there's "company clean." Break out the gear. I'm listening to tunes and drinking through it, so it'll be a good time. Ashley tackles the bathroom and living room while I hit the kitchen. Floor to ceiling, including emptying the fridge I filled about an hour ago, deep-cleaning it and putting everything back.

11:30ish maybe? I don't know?

Sufficiently lubed and handwashing floors. Planning my attack on the food for tomorrow. Full jam Holiday feast with turkey, homemade stuffing, spiral ham, a thousand sides and gravies. Dessert is being done from the outside. Ashley and Kaylee laboured over a super cool looking tree-shaped cheese ball to adorn the charcuterie/app board. That'll all need assembly just prior to guest arrival. Fuuuuck.

2:30am

Call it quits. Hit the rack for a few hours of shut-eye and start the food prep. Hope nothing was forgotten. Everything is closed.

December 25, 2019:

7:00am-12:00pm

Up. Hungover and bleary-eyed. Make coffee. Load coffee with Baileys and get cutting boards out. Start chopping and prepping. Mise en place is key! What do you mean I need to stop and open presents and enjoy time with my wife and kid? There is no time for that. Do both. Okay?

12:00pm

Everything is humming along in the kitchen. Time to setup tables, bring up chairs from the basement. Tablecloths, place-settings, more chairs. Holy shit didn't anyone die this year? How many fucking chairs do we need? Fuck.... The charcuterie boards. Ughhhhh.....

2:30pm

Ding dong! Seriously?! What fuckin' asshole is showing up this early for a Christmas DINNER??? I swear to Christ I'm gonna punch.... "Merry Christmas!! Welcome please come in and don't even ask to leave your shoes on!" More booze.

4:30pm

All here. Cocktails served and everyone is gleefully destroying the appetizers. Christmas music playing. Kids laughing. This is the few minutes to mingle and have a drink before ringing the supper bell. This part is nice. All 45 minutes of it until the geriatrics start whining about dinner. Back to work. Carve, serve and run logistics for gravy boats and sides down the expansive table. Wine bottles to open. Glasses to keep full. Murders to plot... I stand and eat in the kitchen.

9:45PM

Last of the attendees are shuffling off. Goodnight, goodbye, get out. Door closes. At this point, the slow turn back to see the entire house is in absolute shambles. At this point, the obligatory phrase is muttered. "Wasn't that nice?"

- Fast Forward -

December 24, 2021:

Worked from home most of the day. In between work duties, I prepped a beautiful prime rib dinner with roasted garlic mashed potatoes, sprouts and a demi glace gravy. Delicious mini cheese and meat board for the three of us and creme salade for a starter. We ate dinner at a normal time and then had a kitchen party of snacks and 90's Alternative rock while we cleaned up. Laughs, stories, singing and dancing.

December 25, 2021:

8:00am

Slowly get out of bed. Make some coffee and sit down with my wife and daughter. We open presents while laughing and connecting with each other.

10:00am

Girls throw on a movie. We pull some of the cold cuts and cheeses out of the fridge to nosh on. I play with the dog and doze on and off. Did some online shopping with a gift card I got.

2:00pm

A&W is open today. Let's hit the drive thru. Get home and spike my root beer with some whiskey, eat my burger.

present time as I write this

Ashley and Charlie are napping. Kaylee is enjoying Christmas #2 with her Mom. I'm writing a blogpost to tell you that this Christmas may have been one of the best ones yet. I really think we put a lot of emotional stock in memories of pre-pandemic stuff and most of the negative falls away within them. If you're someone who just attends these like an "Uncle Terry," you're probably not relating to this post at all and I get that. I actually spent Christmas with my family this year. Who the fuck wants that weird asshole Uncle Terry over anyway, and why are we wasting precious time with those closest to us to make it happen? Fuck you, Terry.

Merry Christmas everyone. I really hope you were able to find the silver linings like we did this year.